


admit it.

by hellosterfry



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Aromantic Asexual Christine Canigula, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Incomplete, It's minor, M/M, Mentions of the Squip, Michael is a good friend, My sad boys, OOOOOO THEY KISS, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Squip, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Hatred, Shotgunning, Suicidal Thoughts, ask 2 tag, corgi videos, it just keeps getting worse, it's michael what do you expect, jeremy is bi, jeremy is sad, jeremy is trashy, michael is too but it's kinda from jeremy's pov so it's hard to tell, more angst though, my sad boys pt. 2, pining Jeremy, uhh jeremy has freckles and michael loves it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 09:52:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellosterfry/pseuds/hellosterfry
Summary: i love him. but he'd hate me if he knew.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> this is so self-indulgent i'm sorry

The scent of marijuana and general Michael filled Jeremy’s senses and intoxicated him as he sat in his best friend’s basement, watching him play through this level of Twilight Princess. Michael had offered that they play Apocalypse of the Damned or even New Super Mario Bros., but Jeremy said he didn’t want to join in. That was a lie. Jeremy wanted to join in, he wanted to do all of the old shit they’d done before..

Before.

Before he had heard about the SQUIP. Before he’d taken that pill. Before he’d ruined his friendship with Michael. Before he’d fucked up, _big time._

“Jer’? You okay?”

Jeremy felt himself jolt, then rubbed at his face. Had he cried a little? He could feel Michael staring at him, he probably thought he was weird, just sitting there and crying for no reason. _Jeremy Heere is such a freak, he’s crying while watching his friend play Wii._

“Jeremy, I can hear you thinking. What’s wrong?” asked Michael, pausing the game.

But Jeremy couldn’t breathe. He could feel everything closing in around him as he covered his face. He tried to curl in on himself. _Too close._ He straightened out on the beanbag. _No comfort._ He curled in again. _TOO CLOSE!_

“Jeremy?” Michael set down his controller.

 _He thinks you’re such a freak. You’re sitting here crying and thrashing around like a fish on land, he didn’t even do anything._ He _should be the one freaking out, you did so much shit to him. You hurt him! You hurt Michael! And you think you have room to panic! What a selfish brat._

He was able to whimper something out, because Michael was moving to Jeremy quickly. “Jeremy, can you hear me?” he asked. The brunette nodded quickly, not uncovering his face. “We’re gonna breathe, okay? Can I touch your hand?” Michael continued. Another nod, and Michael was holding his hand and bringing it to his chest.

“Breathe in..” Michael slowly inhaled, and Jeremy followed suit. “Hold.. And out.” The two slowly exhaled together. “In.. Hold.. Out.” They sat there, breathing slowly for a while. Jeremy slowly felt himself able to breathe normally again, like he was finally back on Earth after being stranded in outer space. He sighed softly. “You okay?” Michael asked.

He couldn’t admit that he’d been panicking because he was a bad friend. Michael would only try to make him feel better, even if he wasn’t wrong about being a shit friend.

“Jer’, look at this.” Michael showed Jeremy his phone, and Jeremy watched through his fingers. A corgi was on the screen, playing the keyboard with stubby little paws as people offscreen chuckled at the puppy.

“Good boy,” Jeremy whispered.

“A truly good boy,” Michael grinned. Another corgi video. This one was of two corgis pulling another in a sled through snow, like it was a dogsled team. “Strong!”

“Strong,” Jeremy laughed softly, but choked on nothing. A small object was placed in his lap. Tissue box. Jeremy took a few and cleaned up the mess he’d made on his hand and face.

“Here’s another.” Michael showed his phone again, and a corgi ran in and out of the house while barking. He dashed across grass that was seen through a glass wall on the video, then back inside and across the carpet. “Fast!”

“Zoom,” Jeremy chuckled. He was exhausted.

Michael grabbed his hand again. “You don’t have to tell me what that was about, but do you want to stay over tonight? So I can make sure you’re taken care of and stuff. You’re probably really tired,” he rambled.

“Okay,” Jeremy murmured and squeezed Michael’s hand. He couldn’t admit what he was panicking over. He’d probably tell Michael anyway, though.

“I love you, Jeremy.” Michael pulled him to his chest.

“Love you, too.” And with that, Jeremy was asleep against his best friend.

Best friend. God, he wanted Michael to be so much more than that. He’s wanted that since eighth grade, but he couldn’t say that! Michael was probably straight and would think Jeremy was stupid for liking him like that. He’d lose his only friend. He’d be alone, since Christine had broken up with him.

That wasn’t his or her fault, though. She’d finally figured out she was aroace, which was totally okay! Christine shouldn’t change herself to make someone else happy. It still stung nonetheless. Jeremy felt selfish for that.

And what about Michael on that situation? Jeremy had been pining after Christine since seventh grade, and Michael helped him out. Maybe he just wanted to see Jeremy happy. Maybe he wanted Jeremy gone. Either way, it made Jeremy happy to know his best friend cared enough about him to help with his stupid love life (or lack of). He still had to tell Michael about the breakup. Fuck!

Jeremy snapped awake with a yelp, causing Michael to jump and look down. “Jer’, you okay?” he asked, voice low and sleepy.

“Christine broke up with me,” Jeremy muttered against Michael’s chest.

“What?! No, I’ll totally kick her ass-“

“No! It’s not what you think. Christine figured out she’s aroace. It’s fine, Mikey,” Jeremy assured him.

“Alright,” Michael yawned and leaned back against the beanbag. Jeremy bit his lip before slipping back asleep.

_I love him._

_But he’d hate me if he knew._


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i have a crush on you, but you’re straight._

_Ding._

_1 new message from JereBear_

Christine tiredly opened her eyes and checked her messages. Was Jeremy okay? Why was he texting at two in the morning?

_[From: JereBear]_

christine sos i’m having a big crisis

She raised a brow.

_[To: JereBear]_

What kind of crisis?

She sent it. Not even a minute later, her phone was dinging again.

_[From: JereBear]_

oh fuck it’s like two i’ll tell u at school night christine

_[To: JereBear]_

Goodnight! :D

Christine set her phone back down on her bedside table and turned over. Hopefully Jeremy was alright.

At school, the boy looked _wrecked._ Christine dashed up to him, brows furrowed. “Jeremy, are you alright? I got your messages—well, of course I did, I responded—and i didn’t know what you meant by crisis? Is this about the breakup? Because I’m really super sorry, I hope we can still be friends! Or is this about like, something super serious? You can tell me, if you want! I’m not going to make you,” she frowned.

“Christine, I’m fine. It’s not about the breakup, and don’t be sorry! You can’t change who you are. It’s.. I don’t know how to word this,” Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck.

“Jeremy!” called another female. Brooke. She came dashing up to the two. “You look, like, dead. Did you sleep enough?”

“I didn’t sleep-“ Jeremy started.

“You didn’t sleep?! Jeremy, you need to do that! That’s really important!” Christine folded her arms. “Sorry to get all mad, but I want you to be healthy and happy.”

Anxiety built in his chest. Oh, shit, did he forget his meds this morning? “I’ll.. Be back later,” Jeremy stammered before running out the school door.

“Please, pick up..” he whispered as the phone rang quietly.

“First National Bank, this is Scott. How may I direct your call?” the man finally answered.

“Dad?” Jeremy asked.

“Jeremy, why’re you calling? You have school,” Mr. Heere sounded surprised.

“Dad, I need a ride home. I forgot my meds, my anxiety’s all over the place, please,” Jeremy whimpered, “I’ll make sure everything is caught up!”

A sigh. “Call Michael and ask. I’m busy, kiddo,” Mr. Heere responded.

“Thank you so much. Sorry.” He hung up and called Michael. Class hadn’t started yet, please pick up..

“Yeah,” came the mellow tone of his best friend.

“Mikey, I need a ride home,” he whispered.

“What? Why? Class is about to start,” Michael made some sort of noise as he stretched.

“I didn’t take my meds and my anxiety’s everywhere. Dad said to call you and ask.” Jeremy wanted to cry.

A soft sigh. “Alright. Alright. I’ll be out there in like.. I’ll be out there. Meet me by my car.” And the call ended.

Jeremy made his way to the PT Cruiser and leaned against it. _Stupid, you should be driving. You shouldn’t be bothering Michael for a ride home because you can’t deal with one little problem. What a fucking baby you are, Jeremy. How do people even like you? You bothered Christine last night and today, you bothered Brooke, and you’ve bothered Michael since kindergarten. You should just-_

“Well?”

Jeremy yelped and noticed Michael twirling his keys around his finger. “C’mon.” He nodded toward the car door.

“Oh! Sorry,” Jeremy mumbled, moving so Michael could unlock the car. “Ah, sorry for bothering you, especially after last night. I-“

“You’re not bothering me, because I’m gonna stay home with ya all day,” Michael raised his brows with the tiniest hint of a smile.

“I hope you’re joking, Michael,” Jeremy whispered as he slid into the passenger seat, “you shouldn’t miss school because I’m being stupid and not dealing with my problems like a normal person.”

Michael looked like he could’ve fought a man over that statement as he climbed into the driver seat. “I’m not joking, Jeremy. You’re not being stupid and you’re dealing with this how you see fit, I’m going to stay with you to make sure you’re okay and don’t do anything destructive,” he answered, voice serious. “You’re my best friend, I need you to be okay.”

Jeremy sniffled. Had he started crying? _You sure do cry a lot, Jeremy._ He looked down at the ground and held his arms, nails barely digging into his skin. However, Michael knew how to cheer the brunette up slightly. The chords for Sincerely, Me played through the car speakers and Jeremy smiled a bit as he began to sing Connor’s part and doubled up as Jared. Michael sang for Evan, as per usual for the two.

“But not because we’re gay..” Michael eventually sang, and Jeremy felt his heart drop slightly.

“No, not because we’re gay..” he backed up. But those words still stung. Michael wasn’t at least bisexual, and if he was, he’d never told Jeremy. He’d never talked about _any_ crushes with Jeremy. Jeremy had come to terms with his bisexuality when he realised his crush on Michael.

“Jer’?” Michael asked as he turned down the speakers. “You look pretty lost in thought, you okay?”

Jeremy sank lower in the seat as he shook his head.

“What’s wrong?” the other frowned.

_I want to die. I’m on the verge of panicking for no reason. I have a crush on you, but you’re straight._ “I don’t want to talk about it,” Jeremy finally sighed and unlocked the car door, stepping out.

“Alright. If there’s anything I can do, just tell me, okay?” Michael offered a smile as he locked the Cruiser.

“Okay,” Jeremy returned the grin weakly as he walked to his front door, unlocking it and holding it for Michael, then followed him inside.

“I’m gonna make you some tea while you choose a movie or something, what kind do you want?” Michael asked as he strode to the kitchen.

“Ginger,” Jeremy sighed and looked through the movies. Nothing grabbed his attention. “I don’t really wanna watch a movie, though.”

Michael peeked in from the door. “What? Not even _Heathers_ or _Spirited Away?_ Those always cheer you up,” he frowned slightly. Jeremy only shrugged. “Alright.. You need to take your meds still, right? I’ll bring those.”

After a few minutes, Michael returned to the main room with two cups of ginger tea and a few pill bottles in his hands. “Two spoons of sugar, and here’s your Xanax, Prozac, and Adderall.”

“I mcfucking love drugs,” Jeremy joked as he quickly took the pills and drank some tea.

“So, be honest, what’s on your mind?” Michael asked.

_Where do I start?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FUCKING PRY TRASHY THEATRE KID JEREMY FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS  
> also hi i decided to aggressively project onto jeremy sorry for this it's my way of coping so i'm gonna continue this


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _he could never love someone like me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it's been forever so have something that's kinda angsty but there's some fluff too for a split second?? i wrote this on my phone so i'm sorry if there's any errors

"I don't want to talk about it," Jeremy mumbled as he drank down some more tea.  
Michael raised a brow. "I get that, but at least clue me in. You haven't been yourself since the SQUIP, at least give me, like.. a basic rundown of why your mood's all over the place?"  
Jeremy curled in on himself, and Michael wrapped an arm around him. The brunette snuggled up to Michael. "It's just.. I'm not sure who I am. What I am. I'm scared to slouch, scared to say something wrong, scared I'll get shocked for not doing something right. And I was a shit person when I had the SQUIP running, I don't want to be a shit person to you again. But I don't want to bother you with everything," he finally sighed.  
Michael held him closer. "You can tell me anything, Jer'. You're not gonna bother me. You were there for me when I needed you, save for the SQUIP, let me be there for you." He offered a smile.  
An awkward silence settled between the two, only the sound of breathing and drinking filling the air. Jeremy decided to speak up. "I think I'm kinda gay," he whispered.  
Michael choked on his tea. "What made you realise that?" he asked after swallowing.  
 _I've had a crush on you for almost four years._ "Kurt Kelly makes me gay as fuck. So do other guys. But then there's girls? I like both. I think I'm bi," Jeremy answered.  
"Hey, welcome to the not-straight club, I'm pretty gay myself," Michael grinned. Jeremy breathed a sigh of relief in his mind. _Thank god._  
Jeremy's cell rang, and he quickly answered. "Hi?" he asked.  
"Jeremy, you doing okay? Did you take your meds?" Mr. Heere questioned.  
"Yeah, Dad. Michael came over to make sure I'm okay," Jeremy responded and turned on speakerphone.  
"Hi, Mr. Heere," Michael piped up.  
"Hi, son," Mr. Heere replied. "Jeremy doing alright?"  
"Yes sir," Michael grinned, as if Jeremy wasn't there.  
"Alright. I gotta go, bye Michael. Bye Jeremy, love you, son."  
"Love you too, Dad." Jeremy hung up and returned to his place in Michael's arms. "I need weed."  
"You need weed?" Michael chuckled. "Do you have any?"  
"In my room," Jeremy nodded and wiggled away to grab his desired substance. "C'mon."  
Michael shook his head with a smile and followed Jeremy upstairs to his room, sitting down on the bed as the shorter male searched through a drawer and produced a small bag and some rolling paper. "Is it okay if I just roll one? I'm running a little low right now."  
"That's okay," Michael answered and leaned back. Jeremy quietly rolled a joint and returned with it, feeling for a lighter. "Light us up, Scotty."  
"Shut up," Jeremy giggled softly. Fucking _giggled_. He placed one end between his lips and lit the other, then took a slow hit before passing it to Michael.  
They sat like that for a while, passing the blunt back and forth while sitting on the bed and letting their highs set in. But, here's the thing about Michael. He lost his filter when he was stoned. "Jer'," he chuckled as he passed the joint to the brunette. "Wanna try something?"  
"Like what," Jeremy hummed as his mood slowly mellowed.  
"Shotgunning," Michael answered.  
That got him alert. "You're fuckin' stoned," Jeremy breathed after taking a hit.  
"No shit. I wanna try, though," Michael made grabby hands for the joint.  
"Well.." Jeremy thought for a moment before sighing and handing him the joint. It wouldn't be the same, but it was something, at least. "Alright. Let's try."  
Michael grinned and breathed in the weed's smoke, then took Jeremy's chin between his thumb and forefinger. Pressing their lips together, his eyes slid shut and he slowly exhaled into the brunette's mouth. Jeremy, however, was on cloud fucking eleven. He inhaled the smoke and lingered for a moment before pulling away and coughing. "Jesus," he laughed, "wanna try again?"  
"Hell yes," Michael smiled and took another inhale before crashing their mouths together, forcefully this time. Jeremy inhaled as Michael exhaled, and they pulled apart after another couple of moments. "Spicy."  
Jeremy placed the blunt in the ashtray. "Definitely," he said and bit his lip. "So, you're like.. gay?"  
"Yep," Michael hummed and leaned back. Jeremy laid on top of him. "I mean, I kinda have a straight crush on Chloe Price. But who isn't attracted to Chloe Price? Other than that, a hundred percent homosexual. Why?"  
"Chloe Price is fuckin' hot," Jeremy agreed. "But you never told me, so I just never really knew."  
"I never told you? Rip." Michael ran a hand through dark brown hair. "Did you know you have freckles?"  
"Yeah, I hate 'em." Jeremy stuck his tongue out.  
"They're cute," Michael decided, "you're cute."  
"Bitch, where," Jeremy giggled.  
"Bitch, everywhere." Michael booped his nose. "You got these really pretty blueish-greenish eyes, they're kinda big, but not too big. Your hair's all wavy and dorky, but a good kind of dorky. You can't really grow facial hair, you look like you're fifteen, you've got acne, you're a beanpole.. You're cute."  
Jeremy's face was red. This was not okay, someone arrest Michael Mell for this crime. _I've been personally victimised by Michael Mell._ "I.." he trailed off.  
"Can I kiss you?" Michael giggled.  
This was anything but fair. "Mikey, you're high," Jeremy frowned.  
"It's wearing off," Michael admitted. Oh. Oh.  
"Mikey, I want to. I do," Jeremy held his own arms. "I just wanna have it be when we're both sober."  
Those words hurt to say. He might've just given up his only chance to kiss Michael. But he knew if he did now, he was just going to get hurt later. Michael was high. He didn't know what he was talking about.  
 _He could never love someone like me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO I AM FUCKIN. ALIVE WHAT'S GOOD  
> i tried so hard to make this end with fluff but oh no the angst monster came crawling outta my throat and OH NO HE'S SAD  
> i might eventually make him happy again but school started for me and that sucks so i'm gonna be like. kinda inactive. plus i haven't really had the motivation to really finish writing the stuff i've started? which sucks too. i might post more frequently. let's hope.


	4. heh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :^)

y’all thought this was gonna be a new chapter lmao no  
i’m done with this fic, because i Don’t Have Motivation. like it’s summer, i could totally work on it, but i can’t. i’ve really been getting into It 2017 and monster prom lately !! maybe i’ll write something for that. maybe i’ll finish this someday. but for now, this fic is over.

**Author's Note:**

> yooo scream at me on [quotev](http://www.quotev.com/MRMlSTYEYED) ??  
> what hamilton college au s we a t s,,,,,,,,  
> aka i'm done with hamilton and i'm moving on! maybe i'll make more than one serious work for this fandom. let's hope.  
> also i might continue this? let me know if you want that, i guess.


End file.
